Notes on validation, adolescence, and the work of becoming for everyone

January 8, 2025 – This was such a great conversation with Kacey Montgomery, host of Closing the Gap, a podcast that addresses the barriers and challenges for young women entering academic and professional fields of Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics typically populated by men. We talk about Internal Family Systems, examples of how parts begin to take on roles of protectors and exiles. We touch on Self Energy. We wandered into the personal and back out into the

December 25, 2024 – You have heard emotion regulation quite a bit out there in social media and in the parenting and therapy worlds. If you are an Internal Family Systems therapist/practitioner, you’ve heard the term Self energy. Other words that might sound familiar: grounded; centered; or Wise Mind, a DBT term. These all describe a certain state of being that is essential for our work as adolescent service providers. I’d like to offer one more that might speak more descript

December 11, 2024 – In Part 2 of Ciara’s reflections, she continues to let us glimpse the poignant inner world of the Adolescent psyche. While The Shiftless Wanderer speaks a great deal about the essential nature of Adolescence, in this posting Ciara shows us this world. Ciara Fanlo, once a "troubled teen" herself, now dedicates her life to supporting adolescents. As the founder of Homing Instinct, she provides mentorship and coaching for teens, drawing on her deep understand

November 27, 2024 – This week, I’m delighted to have Ciara as a guest blogger. Once a "troubled teen" herself not too long ago, Ciara now dedicates her life to supporting adolescents. As the founder of Homing Instinct, she provides mentorship and coaching for teens, drawing on her deep understanding of the adolescent psyche and the complexities of growing up while navigating mental health struggles. Ciara is devoted to transforming how we view adolescence, and how we learn fr

November 13, 2024 – The results of the 2024 presidential election, despite the majority vote, have left roughly many in the country reeling and, for many, traumatized. The work has been hard this week for therapists. For some, the election again of a self-confessed sexual abuser triggers intense posttraumatic stress symptoms. For others, the fear of campaign promises becoming reality shake the very foundations of their lives and survival. The young people I work with weep as

October 30, 2024 - As much as parents, therapists, and grandparents want to be in the loop about what’s going on in the lives of teenagers, the truth is that adolescents often live secret lives. This isn’t a new phenomenon—think about Romeo and Juliet, those star-crossed lovers who kept their relationship under wraps. Spoiler alert: it didn’t end well, but it shows that the struggle to navigate hidden emotions and experiences is as old as time. In literature and film, there a

October 16, 2024 - In the video a little girl falls hard while learning to skateboard on a full pipe. Stunned and scared, she’s scooped up by her dad and held tight. He checks to be sure she’s okay, and then she goes to the top of the ramp, poised to do the run again. “I’m scared I’m going to fall again,” she says. Dad sprinkles in a bit of dad-wisdom, “Sometimes it’s scary doing hard things” and gives her full permission to choose not to do it. But she wants to. Dad assures

Oct 2, 2024 — 4/20. 1999. Columbine High School, Jefferson County, Colorado. I was teaching 12-year-olds in a public middle school. Some moments of that day are crystal clear. The rest is a blur. That was the day the world changed for students, teachers, and parents in the United States. The doors of the horrific and unthinkable were opened and there seems to be no closing them—children killing children with guns in schools. The Columbine High School massacre shook the nation

Sept 18, 2024 There’s a subtle but significant distinction between a responsible teenager and a parentified one. Although both terms involve the idea of responsibility, they differ in scope and impact on the person. While responsible teens handle age-appropriate tasks that foster growth and independence, parentified children assume roles that go beyond their maturity level, often to the detriment of their own development. The difference is crucial. According to Embark Behavio