Notes on validation, adolescence, and the work of becoming for everyone

A change of worldview can change the world viewed. ~ Joseph Chilton Pearce We do not see this world how it is. We see it how we are. ~ Anaïs Nin May 1, 2024- We tend to project our fears, beliefs, traits, assumptions, and ideals onto teenagers, perhaps because this time of life holds so much intensity for those of us who have come out the other side. While it’s understandable, we do teenagers a disservice at the least when we stereotype them or project onto them what is not t

Apr 17, 2024- Working with teenagers therapeutically is, in my opinion, a calling. It’s difficult work, and the rewards are enormously satisfying. As adolescent therapists, we have to bring all of our experiences, research, wisdom, and resources to bear as we sit with teenagers. And sometimes everything in our toolbox is not enough as some challenges are specific to this age span. Sometimes we just have to hang on for the ride, try and fail miserably, or wander around in the

Apr 3, 2024- I started seeing Abbott when she was 10 years old, fiercely angry and intensely introverted. She had trouble making friends, was persona non grata with school staff, and challenged her family daily. She had a hard time being here on Planet Earth. We worked diligently for almost four years, making extraordinary progress. When Abbott was fourteen, her family was moving out of state, and our work together came to a close. On one of our last days, we took a walk near

Mar 20, 2024- All the students and clients I’ve been in service to over the years hold a special place in my memory and heart. Maybe you hold yours in your heart as well. Soleta**, one of my students whom I hold dear, was recently charged with first-degree murder for killing a young woman, leaving behind a motherless child. All day and through the weekend I felt the weight of this tragedy in my gut and my heart. The sadness is overwhelming. And there is anger. The ongoing los

Feb 28, 2024- When I was 12 years old, my already falling apart world fell apart even more. Here it is 50 years later, and one moment from that time still haunts me. Have you noticed how often you tell a story from your teen years and you cringe or laugh at your younger self? Or you tell a story of a time when you were in so much pain and shrug it off now like it was no big deal, and “what was the fuss all about anyway”? I have found that adults tend to minimize and/or judge

Feb 14, 2024- I am in a small, crowded building—no windows, low ceilings, small rooms laid out in rambling, incomprehensible patterns—some kind of religious school or institution. My anxiety and claustrophobia are palpable, and I feel the authoritarian, menacing presence of an unseen older woman. As I wander through the halls of this dream I encounter one of my former students. Ilse is still young, a wild, willful teenager. She is glad to see me and tells me that doesn’t want

Jan 31, 2024- For three decades now, about half my life, I’ve been immersed in the work and energy of this particular time in life. This doesn’t include my own adolescence where my Inner Adolescent is still quite influential in my day-to-day life, or those years when my two sons traversed the bumpy road from childhood to adulthood. So let’s make that about 50 years of immersion in Adolescence*. I’m not sure why my life and my heart were pulled down the path of being in servic

Jan 17, 2024- I sat with my client, mom to a just-turned 12-year-old. We were talking about the challenges she faces as a mom who dearly loves her kid and the challenges that her child is already facing on their way through adolescence. This week it was a broken heart and beginning to learn the hard lessons about relationships, boundaries, self-abandonment, integrity, and respect—for self and for the other. She described how her gangly teenager leaned on her and cried. This m

Jan 3, 2024- One of the guiding principles in the validation process and practice I work with is: Someone must begin the validation process and that is the person who is able to do so. What needs to be present for someone to be able to begin the validation process? And how does it all go sideways?!? What happens when there is no one in the relationship who is able to enter into a validating engagement? One common scenario I encounter where validation is most needed and most c